What I've learned TTC... 2 months & counting

Well, here I am, baring it all for what is likely 2 readers and the internet!!

Somehow though, I think it will help me sift through all this jumble in my head. 

We are trying to conceive and it's not as easy as you grow up thinking. 

 It's not always as easy as that one time without protection and your whole life is ruined, like they tell you in school. 

Those instances are rare and the real chances aren't as promising. Every month you have a 10% chance inside a short window of time. 

I've only been at this a very short amount of time, in the big picture and my heart goes out to those ladies that have been doing this for 6 months... 12 months or years. You're amazing and so is your resolve. 

I've already struggled with feelings of inadequacy, regret for waiting and feeling like I'm robbing my husband of something he wants, fatherhood, and it's only been 2 months!! So here is what I've learned so far:

1: No one prepares you for the negatives. Sure, doctors will tell you the statistics but let's face it, society shows us everyday in every ad, show and just all around that people have babies every day! Apparently it's soooo easy, right RIGHT!!! Haha.

2: Every symptom you have ever felt, from gas to dry skin will now be associated with whether or not you're pregnant! Seriously, there are entire websites dedicated to tracking these things during your "two week wait". 

3: You will learn to share the most private of details. How much sex you're having, the positions, the quality of sperm, your cervix and the myriad of ways you track your fertility. Ok.. Maybe that's just me, but clearly I am an over-sharer by nature!

4: There are more acronyms that you ever knew pertaining to trying to conceive. Of course, the favorite - TTC. And honorable mention - POAS. Pee on a stick. Yup. It's got its own abbreviation. But there are more! CP, cervix position. CM, cervical mucus. Just wait until you get into that! Good fun. BBT, basal body temperature. DPO, OPK, IVF, IUI, BFN, BFP, BD, CD... A whole new thing to obsess over! Oh the list goes on. 

AF -- Aunt Flow
Baby Dust -- Good wishes for getting pregnant
BBT -- Basal Body Temperature
BC -- Birth Control
BD -- Baby Dance (intercourse)
BFN -- Big Fat Negative (Negative Pregnancy Test)
BFP -- Big Fat Positive (Positive Pregnancy Test)
CD -- Cycle Day
CF -- Cervical Fluid
CM -- Cervical Mucus
CP -- Cervical Position
DPO -- Days Past Ovulation
EDD -- Estimated Due Date
EPT -- Early Pregnancy Test
FMU -- First Morning Urine
HCG -- Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (Hormone)
HPT -- Home Pregnancy Test
IF -- Infertility
IUI -- Intra-Uterine Insemination
IVF -- In-Vitro Fertilization
LMP -- Last Menstrual Period
LP -- Luteal Phase
MC -- Miscarriage
MS -- Morning Sickness
O -- ovulation
OPK -- Ovulation Prediction Kit
OPT -- Ovulation Prediction Test
PCOS -- Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome
PG -- Pregnant
POAS -- Pee on a Stick (Home Pregnancy Test)
TMI -- Too Much Information
TWW or 2WW -- Two Week Wait (2 weeks between ovulation and period)
U/S -- Ultrasound
UTI -- Urinary Tract Infection

5: The harsh reality... Someone out there is having a worse time TTC than you. This made me understand that my struggles are nothing compared to most but it also scares me that every month we are trying can be one month closer to a realization that we may have fertility issues. Of course, it can also be said that it's one month closer to being preggers... But...

5: If you are like me, you may start to only see the downside. STOP it. It's hard by just try to remember this time with your partner. It's easy to get sucked into the lonely seeming world of TTC, but if you have a partner in this, it's their struggle too and they may just want to talk about something other than babies for 5 minutes!! It doesn't mean they aren't as excited or dedicated but maybe they just miss their wife, ya know. I blocked my hubby out this last week, after getting my period. I was sad and frustrated and felt like wallowing but I realized maybe he was sad too and I needed to just release it and look forward to the marathon of sex we'd be having come ovulation time!

6: Speaking of periods... You'll hate aunt flow in a whole new way! Sure, no woman likes her period.. But to actually have a tantrum when you wipe and see the tell tale spotting and refer to aunt flow as a Fucking Bitch whilst throwing a box of tampons across the bathroom... Maybe a little extreme, but hey.. It's the hormones!!

7: You'll find money you didn't know you had in order to buy over $30 in pregnancy tests. Yeah... Shameful. The first month I started taking a test every morning for the three days before my period. 

8: RESIST the urge to test early! It's so hard, but it can be crushing. I'm going to get candid here on why I won't test early again. 

* The first month, we had an early miscarriage. Also know as a "chemical pregnancy". I tested early, as I said and I got a positive three days before my missed period. We were ecstatic. I took another test to be sure, since the lines weren't super dark. Also positive. Two day later I had some bad cramps and took another test the next morning. This was one day late for my regular period. Pregnancy hormones double in your body from the date of implantation so the test, if positive would be a darker line the later you poas. However, the test was negative and I proceeded to bleed and spot for nearly two weeks. This is when my doc said we miscarried. Now, to the point.. Had I not tested early and seen those positives, I never would have known I was pregnant. I would have just thought it was a weird period. Like 30% of women do. I wouldn't have had the sadness and feelings of failure that I did that first month. Just wait. I know it's hard, but just wait until you're a few days late. This month, I waited until I was a day late and tested. Negative, the next day.. 2 days late I tested again, negative. The next day, I got my period. Late, for the first time ever. This was due to my chemical last month. 

9: You will discover that there is brand loyalty on pregnancy tests! If you are active in the online world of trying to make babies, don't mention a blue dye test! You might get shanked, in a virtual reality sort of way, of course. But apparently people HATE the blue dye tests. They are notorious for false positives supposedly. People hate them like Bears fans hate the Packers. It's intense. 

And lastly, if you are married:

10: You may never hate and love your husband as much at the same time. I love him for going on this journey with me. I hate him for not understanding how consuming it can be. I love him for dealing with the "I'm ovulating, take off your pants" behavior he has endured but I hate him when I feel like we aren't having enough sex, lol! Yeah, you might actually start to think that every other day for ten days ISN'T enough!!

So, there you have it. This is my takeaway. It's not meant to scare anyone or make anyone feel like their struggles aren't the magnitude that they are felt by said individual, this is just ME. My experience. 

I wanted to share the good, bad and humorous as best I can and maybe I can help someone along the way. You'll be met with so much advice in this journey, asked for or not, and I just want to be able to laugh a little in between obsessively analyzing the consistency of my cervical mucus!!

Ha, bet you didn't see that one coming!!

Anyway... Any questions about my first two months in this strange land of trying to get knocked up?!

Be careful what you google...

This month is the first month that we actively started Trying to Conceive.

Just let that sink in. Marinate in it. Until your fingers get pruny.... was that gross?

 Anyone who knows me, knows what a Big. Fucking. Deal. this is.
The first like, 30 years, of my life were spent swearing up and down that I NEVER wanted children.

I don't know what happened! I used to HATE when family or friends told me that I would change my mind. Hell no I won't change my mind, I thought.

No one in my family really reads this, so it will still be a huge surprise when it happens.
But one day, I woke up and thought babies had cute feet. And it spiraled out of control from there.
No Lie. It was like a rocket ship launching into space. And in March of this year, my husband and I decided it was time to start planning.
Well, I started planning. He just wanted to get right down to trying. :)

In June, I went off my birth control. There were some horrors with that, for sure. I blogged about my boobs.
Prepare yourself....

I'm doing it again.

Boobs.

So, I tracked my ovulation down to a window of time and we got busy. hehe.
I am now 5 or 6 days post ovulation. (6dpo, that's the lingo that I am learning here on the interwebs because apparently no one can just type out the words for ANYTHING. TTY, CM, EWCM, BBT, BFN/BFP.. they all have meanings that I have to look up because mamma to be's just assume newb's know what the F they are talking about. We don't.)

Anyway... I am 6 days post ovulation and weird things are happening.

My nipples are puffy.
Like weird, soft, puffy nipples. There's no other way I can describe it.

So I googled it. Not to see examples, but googled it as a potential pregnancy symptom.

DON'T DO IT!!!

Apparently there is quite a bit of nipple related porn, like fetishes about puffy nipples.

I was shocked and mildly curious over what kind of people have a specific nipple fetish, but I digress..
I quickly changed course and made sure to include the word pregnancy into my web search.
This is still dangerous, but for different reasons.

Everything for the first few weeks that you are wondering if you could be pregnant is either a symptom of pregnancy or PMS. Cramping, burning ovary sensation, moodiness, puffy nips...
Awesome.

I'm either preggers or expecting my period. No shit. This is truth for every woman that's sexually active and able.

So I just have to wait until my period/missed period and obsess over my weirdo nipples. YAY~

Brooks Pure Cadence update...

Last night I went out and hit the streets for my Walk/Jog/one-woman-sweat-fest.

Trying to run obese has it's own set of trials, let alone having to worry about your shoes!

Suffice to say, the Brooks Pure Cadence 2 shoes that I purchased are not the shoes for me!
On Saturday I noticed that my calves were burning. I chalked it up to being fat, like I do most things!
However, on Monday night when I started my run, I knew something just wasn't right.

My calves hurt IMMEDIATELY.
Literally, 15 seconds into the Warm-up portion of the workout. I got two blocks before turning around and heading home. I didn't even make it 10 minutes. I was in PAIN.
My calves were so tight and burning. They felt charlie horsed, if you know what I mean.

So then I spent the next half hour looking for my previous running shoes, the Nike Pegasus 28.

There isn't anything wrong my nikes shoes, per se, I just wanted to get a new pair and to have the best running experience possible! These rub my heels just a bit, so I will always need a band-aid/moleskin with them, which is a bummer.
But after I finally found them.. in the pantry of all places, I was determined to start my workout again.
The difference was obvious right away. No calf pain. I didn't even start feeling like I burned a little in the calves until like the 3rd run portion. Thank goodness!
Although I will admit to a little bit of shin pain in theses shoes that I had not experienced before. I assume it's because these aren't made for people who over-pronate.
Rather than starting the search for yet another pair of shoes, I will just buy some good inserts and stick with the Nikes.

I wish I could fully explain the horror of pain shooting through my calves when I was wearing the Brooks!! I know I am going to have a hell of a time trying to get the store to take them back. I'll probably end up with a credit on a gift card that I will never use. Serves me right I guess, buying something when I still had a perfectly good pair at home. Ugh.

I am just happy to have finished Week 1. I am on to Week 2 on Wednesday. Tonight I will do my strength training and my yoga video.

The weird thing that's been happening since starting this workout routine is that I haven't had many sugar cravings.
Weird, right? ! Who knows if it is directly related or if I am finally "getting it" in terms of trying to lose weight. Now if I could just drink all the water I am supposed to, I'd be on a real roll here, folks!

Back Care Yoga and Calorie Counting!

Somehow in early July, after stopping the Weight Watchers program, I jumped up about 5lbs. It took me a few weeks to get back into the swing of just counting calories and macronutrients (fat, protein, carbs etc) rather than counting points.

Gasp!! A new high weight for me.

I love Sparkpeople - free calorie tracker for counting my calories (and fitness and more, LOVE) and they have a new option for counting where you set a baseline of calories per day based on the idea of being completely sedentary, which works great for me, as I sit at a desk all day, and then your calorie goals change day to day based on the activity that you add into your "tracker". The only caveat is that you have to be diligent in tracking what you intend to do that day and stick to it, or your calorie goals will be higher than the output you actually did.

This isn't a problem for me though, as I am doing pretty much the same workout every other day (jogging) and on my off days, I am doing yoga, Rodney Yee's Yoga for Back Care and now adding in some light strength training. That video is great. You try lugging around 20lbs of breasts and tell me your back doesn't hurt!

I really think that this way of tracking is paying off. For example, if I do not do any activity, my calorie goals for the day will be a range of 1200-1550. However, if I burn, say, 400 calories in a workout, my range will go up to 1600-1950. I usually stay pretty close to the low end of the ranges and am feeling super satisfied and have lost weight too.
Which is actually surprising, given that I just jumped into a steady fitness routine... I expected to gain some water weight until my body caught up with my new routine.


Now, with my monthly about 2 weeks away, hopefully I can do some real kicking ass on the scale so that the pound or two I most usually gain will not negate any work I have down so far. That always seems to be the problem. I lose and gain the same few pounds over and over again.
Ugh.
Well, I have another run on the schedule for today!! I have been doing them in the evenings, when it cools down. I just don't know if I will ever be able to get up early to do this! I like the feeling of a long cool shower afterword and just relaxing for the night, like I truly earned it.
It wouldn't feel the same if I had to hop in the shower and get to work after my workout. I enjoy the almost luxurious feeling of "ok, it's done. I'm a badass, now lets slather on some fruity lotion and call it a day!".

Fat girl running and Brooks Pure Cadence 2

I'm feeling pretty good about my jogging overall. Of course, baby turtles could lap me, but hey, it's progress!

A few things that I have noticed is that my feet and legs seem to get tired way before I get out of breath or my heart rate feels too high. I guess all those Leslie Sansone Walk at Home videos really did improve my endurance as far as lungs and heart. 

So I really need to step it up (ha ha, get it... Steps!)... with strength training for my legs. I will google some routines, but in the mean time, I will try squats, lunges and some calf raises. 

It seems to be my calves that hurt the most so far. 

Now, on to shoes!!

These are the Brooks Pure Cadence 2. Nice, huh. 

Apparently I am an overpronator (which means my ankles roll inward when I walk or run). Who knew! I noticed it last week that while running, my left foots big toe was practically off of the sole of the shoe by the time I was done! Because my foot kept rolling inward and pushing my foot inside the shoe.

So off to Finish Line I went, I wish we had a "serious" sports store around here, but alas, teenagers with no real running knowledge is what we get. I didn't want a big bulky shoe and the sales person said that the pure cadence was sort of a hybrid of a stability (for my pronation) and a minimus type shoe for people who like really lightweight shoes. 

My initial reaction was that they didn't rub on my heel, so that was a bonus. They are also much cushier than my new balance minimus shoes. 

It took about a mile to get used to them, I still think I may need a wide, gonna give it a few more runs. But all in all, no blisters, no shin or knee pain and other than a slight soreness on the outside section of my left midfoot, I like the shoes. I think the pain on the left foot is from having wide, flat feet. There's just something there in the shoes that's outing pressure on it, but not on the right foot.

Blah blah blah!! Who needs to hear about my flat feet, lol. I just thought I'd provide some info on the shoes. I will update after I give them a week or so to seriously break them in.

 I hope everyone is having a great weekend! Now... I'm off to eat some skinny cow and cuddle with my dog. 

I hate buying Jeans.

I want to talk about jeans. Terrible, terrible blue jeans.

Having an apple shape makes jean shopping not so fun to begin with. Being 32 years old with about 3 stores and a Target as an option makes it even worse.

Why you ask? Rhinestones, that's why!! Apparently all the jeans in the stores available to me have a bedazzled ass!! What the hell! Or mom jeans. Awesomesauce.  

So I drove the next town over to the Maurice's. Lots of rhinestones, but there were a few regular options. 

I've been a size 18 for like the last 2 years. We've been having unseasonably cold weather so I had to suck it up and buy a new pair of jeans. 

Well... The 18's didn't fit. I had to move into the size 20's. There's no more denying it. I am plus sized. Not chubby... But plus sized section shopping. 

It hurt. 

So what did I do?! 

I went home and got my shoes on and started my "ease into 5k" phone app. 

In the rain!!!

I just knew that if I waited, it'd be another week or month before I started. So rain be damned, I was gonna start. 

I'm hurting, I'll tell you that!

I couldn't finish all 60 seconds on each run and I walked the last run portion of the workout. But you know what... It's more than I would've done on the couch tonight! 

In the half hour of the program (not counting warm up) I actually only did about 1.75 miles. Nowhere near a 5k, but that's why it's a gradual program!

I have a huge blister and my legs feel like lead, but me... I feel like a friggin boss!!

I didn't let my size get me down. I know it will get better and all I have to do is try. 

So that's what I did. 

Chewy, Sweet, Tart Yummy Granola goodness

With all of the uber-personal stuff that I have been talking about lately, I though I'd take a moment to introduce you to some yummy goodness.

Behold.. the best granola bars EVER. Well, that's my opinion anyway, but just give this recipe a shot and I think I can make a believer out of you!

I LOVE these granola bars. They have quickly become one of my favorite treats or breakfasts. I adapted this recipe from Ina Garten of the Food Network. I lowered the sugar and left out the coconut lest I accidentally kill my highly allergic husband! These are so chewy yummy, and you can really do it with any fruit or nut of your choice. I prefer dried cherries! Just be sure to not set them on a hot burner to cool.. like I did last time and burnt them to a crisp. 

The whole time they were "cooling" I kept remarking to my darling hubs how wonderful the house still smelled. Well, jackass, that's because they were technically still cooking! OOPS! Needless to say, they burnt to all hell and I was only able to save a handful! I set the glass pan on the burner that I had forgotten to turn off.

Anyway.. Recipe below!

Granola Bars!
Ingredients

• 2 cups old-fashioned oatmeal
• 1 small bag sliced almonds, about 3/4 cup.
• 1/2 cup toasted wheat germ
• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1/2 cup honey - *original recipe calls for 2/3, I lowered.
• 1/4 cup light brown sugar, lightly packed
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/2 cup chopped pitted dates
• 1/2 cup chopped dried apricots
• 1/2 cup dried cranberries or cherries

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Spray an 8 by 12-inch baking dish with pam and line it with parchment paper.

Toss the oatmeal, almonds on a sheet pan and bake for 10 to 12 minutes, stirring occasionally, until 

lightly browned. Transfer the mixture to a large mixing bowl and stir in the wheat germ.

Reduce the oven temperature to 300 degrees F.

Place the butter, honey, brown sugar, vanilla, and salt in a small saucepan and bring to a boil over medium heat. Cook and stir for a minute, then pour over the toasted oatmeal mixture. Add the dates, apricots, and cranberries and stir well.

Pour the mixture into the prepared pan. Wet your fingers and lightly press the mixture evenly into the pan. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, until light golden brown. Cool for at least 2 to 3 hours before cutting into squares. Serve at room temperature.

 

Off the birth control... lady post!

Just like the title says.... I am off of my birth control. After roughly 10 years. Yikes!
My husband and I have no immediate plans to conceive, but I am trying to get my body ready, so to speak. My doctor recommended being off birth control for at least 3 months before trying to conceive. Technically I stopped b/c last month, after my period. And I am now experiencing side effects!
That's why I decided to write this fairly personal post! Just a little hello to all you ladies out there that are quitting your birth control... there are things they don't tell you! Some of this may be common knowledge, but it wasn't for me!

 #1: The nipple soreness. Oh dear god, the pain! Imagine being stuck in the freezer section of the grocery store 24 hours a day. Bras.. they hurt. Hugs... the horror! Accidentally brushing your arm against it while putting on a seat belt.. makes me want to scream. Don't even mention my husbands grab-ass tendencies. I will slap a grown man in public.. no lie. That took about 3 weeks to recede.

#2: Welcome back, cramps. Actually, no, you are not welcome. I hate you. Midol laughs in my face as it is totally worthless.

#3: Hello heavy flow! When I did start, right on time, thankfully, it was heavy. Really heavy. Gross, I know.

#4: Crazy-pants rides again! Mood swings were back. I almost forgot how bad they could get. Crying for 2 hours during "Extreme Make-over Weight Loss Edition" You betcha!! Wanting to scream and stomp my feet and possibly throw it against the wall when my minced garlic wouldn't open... all day long baby!

Now, before you go running for the hills and the nuvaring.. this will pass. It's just the body regulating. I have to get used to my own hormones now. But Jesus. I was ill-prepared. I kept asking my hubs if he was prepared for 9 months of similar behavior followed immediately by a screaming newborn?

Of course, he said Yes. I am pretty sure he only proposed so he could try to knock me up.
I am just the means to the end here folks!!

I jest. He loves me. He just really really wants to knock me up too.

Weight Watchers wasn't the way to go!

Hello blog world.
When I started trying to lose weight , I was using weight watchers. Please understand that I don't think it is a bad program, it just didn't work for me.
I gained 5lbs in one month on that program. It started out ok, I lost a little bit but every other week it came right back, regardless of any changes I may have made.

I think I know what the problem was for me though....

Most fruits and vegetables are "free", meaning you do not have to track the points+ for them. This ended up being a bit of a problem for me. See, I don't really eat meat. So, 90% of my meals are fruits and vegetables with a little carbs thrown in.

I tried to work the program around that and spoke with some Leaders and message boards etc about what I could do to tweak the program.. try more points, try less points, work out more, work out less... Everyone told me to eat less fruit, more meat and dairy. Yuck... but the whole point is to be healthy, and I like my 8 freggie servings a day thankyouverymuch.
So 2 weeks ago I decided to try a free website, sparkpeople.com (simultaneously w/WW) and track my calories as well as macro-nutrients like protein, carbs, fat and fiber. Not just points.

I discovered that by following my points and WW healthy guidelines, I was eating nearly 2000 cals a day!!! NO WONDER!! I was also too high in carbs, low in protein, high in fat and fine on fiber.
I understand that I could have tweaked it for less points etc. but I wanted a clearer picture of what was going into my body.

So, I cancelled WW.

No hard feelings there, WW, I just think my lifestyle wasn't conducive to their program, a little too "one size fits all" I suppose. After my first week on sparkpeople, I lost 1.4 lbs. That was more than I had lost in over 3 months. YAY!

So, I start afresh. Awesome. Slow and steady wins the race! I weigh in tomorrow, wish me luck!

The Flood.

I live in Illinois, about 2 hours from Chicago. After a record rainfall last week, our town was flooded and the town that I grew up in, 20 minutes away, was devastated by the flooding. Our basement flooded, but luckily it's not a finished basement. I have family that lost EVERYTHING. Flooded up to the roof, in my uncle's home. And so much more. Over 1500 residents lost their homes.

You can see my uncle's house in the mid- left hand side. It's basically the last house before it's just all water. So, needless to say, we've been pretty busy around here.
My best friend Jenny and I did some donating to the towns Lions Club, that was organizing cleaning kits and toiletries and clothing etc. for displaced families. Jenny is a couponer, so she had bags full of unopened razors, toothbrushes, deodorant etc. that she donated and I stocked up on .89c suave shampoos and body washes. Buying the cheap stuff allowed me to spend more and hopefully provide for more people. 30 bottles later, I hope the poor people needing the items felt a little better after a hot shower! I just can't imagine. My fathers friends were going around town and pumping water out of basements and 1st floor homes etc.

It's so nice to see community come together. Of course it is horrible when it's a necessity due to loss and circumstances, but it is just so amazing to see the human spirit in action.

Victory is mine!!

Last week I wrote about hiding my food binges. I felt a bit drained after writing that. It was a big hurdle for me to even admit "out loud" so to speak. I know that no one really reads this blog, I am new at it and honestly, I would be surprised if I did have readers, because really... what's so interesting about yet another Token fat girl struggling with her weight and trying to work her way through adulthood? I guess I just hope that my daily struggles can help someone see what may cause their own struggles and maybe make someone laugh or feel happy from time to time?

I sort of felt like I didn't have anything to say for a few days after that confession. I just buckled down and went about my weekend and tried to make good choices.

As for my weekend, my mileage goals are coming along nicely and I am surprised at how quickly I am improving my fitness. I am up to 2 miles without feeling I am getting tired until the last few minutes. My original plan was to track my mileage using Leslie Sansone "Walk away the Pounds" videos and walking outside as well. So far however, I have only been able to use the videos. It's been rainy here in central Illinois for the 2 weeks and looks to continue that way through the month, sigh. I am not hardcore enough to workout in the rain thank-you-very-much-no-thanks.

I really enjoy those videos, man! It seems so nerdy to me, but I like how chipper Leslie is, without being annoying, to me anyways. I always feel so good about myself when I finish a video. I was trying to do a 1 mile video, twice a day, but I find that I can power through the 30 minute, 2 mile, video just fine after a week. I am sweaty and smelly, but I am DOING IT!!.
And just for a bonus, if ya'll don't have exercise tv or on demand cable etc. Here is a link to some of the YouTube video's I found, they are my favorite ones, a little more modern than some of the other youtubes videos and they are all posted by the same girl:
One, Two and Three Mile Leslie Sansone Videos
I hope you like it, if you try it!

I feel positive. I had the chance to binge again last night and I didn't. I was very proud of myself for not giving in to the urge or the temptation. It's an odd thing, I know that if I binge, I am more likely to do it again in the following days, so stopping at one is very important to me. I had a variety of foods last night, lots of roasted veggies, some crackers for crunch, some creamy cheese and a small treat of 2 Girl Scout Thin Mints.
I think it's really important to me to have the variety of textures and flavors to avoid the binge. If I have all that, and still within my points, then I am much more satisfied than say, if I had even a large bowl of pasta. Variety, people!

Shame and hiding food binges.

I have a confession to make...
Occasionally, I hide a binge. My husband, friends and family have no idea about this behavior. Just me and the scale and the hidden evidence under a layer of trash in the waste bin.

It happened again last night. It's been several weeks, if not over a month, since the last incident and I know that in some ways, that should feel like a victory. However, it does not.

I can pretend that I didn't know what was going to happen when I pulled into Little Caesars. That I was going to share it with my husband when he got home, but that would be a lie. I knew that when I bought that crazy bread to go with the tombstone pizza I planned for, that I would eat them all.
I told myself, "just have a couple and 2 slices of the tiny pizza. That's plenty of food. Make some green beans to go with it. You love green beans!!"

Well, I had eaten half the order by the time I even got home. And then some more, and then HALF of the tombstone pizza. By the time I had reached uncomfortably full, there were only 2 breadsticks left.

This is where it gets ugly. I was so full and disgusted, but that didn't stop me. I couldn't leave just two breadsticks on the counter for the hubs. He'd know that I not only ate almost all of them, but half a pizza too.
So... I ate the last two breadsticks and hid the wrapper in the trash.

Why do I do this? Is it some kind of sabotage? Am I afraid of succeeding, as if I will feel more ashamed if I succeed and gain the weight back? Do I feel safer fat?
Sigh. I don't know. I don't know if these are questions that I want to answer just yet. I understand myself enough to know that these little freak outs are rare compared to my normal eating so I just accept what happened and do better the next day.

I am also starting to get a grasp on WHEN I am triggered to act this way. It's when I know my husband won't be home and doesn't want dinner made. I knew that last night he had to work late and that he said he'd just make himself something when he got home. So I was left with the opportunity to eat whatever I wanted. There didn't need to be leftovers, so I didn't have to make anything that would be seen, if you catch my drift.
I thought a frozen pizza would be easy enough and I'd just grab some bread sticks to make it feel a little more like restaurant food.
If I had only eaten a serving of both it would have been within my calorie plan and still would have been a treat to myself.
But, that's not how it played out. Even an hour after eating I was still far too full.
I got on my elliptical for a short workout and I think I was punishing myself. I was so uncomfortable. It was a hellish half hour. I did feel a little better after, but that's not really healthy either!!
I know now that I can't take the opportunity to eat in private when it presents itself. I need to stick to a planned meal, or at least make something with leftovers, regardless if whether or not the hubs will eat them that night.

My logic with that, is that if I know there will be visible proof of what I ate for dinner, I will be more likely to make healthy choices. There's a reason I hid the evidence, I was embarrassed. I will have nothing to be embarrassed about if its healthy!!
Has anyone out there been through this? How did you cope?

What What, weekend!

I feel good about the fact that I didn't gain while on my monthly cycle though. Especially with all the pizza I ate on Thursday night!! We had our favorite "double date couple" come over for homemade pizza and wine.
Every married couple has that other couple that you like to do things with. It was a big deal for me to get to know this other couple. The husband is a close friend of darling hubby's and I have really enjoyed getting to know his wife. It turns out she's just as neurotic as me, and that's great! I have a bit of social akwardness, so it's always a relief to meet someone as nuts as myself.

In a bit of fitness news.. I have started tracking my mileage done while doing workout videos. I do these mileage specific workouts, like 1 mile, 2 mile or three mile workouts designed to imitate aerobic walking. They are called "Walk at Home" by Leslie Sansone. They are great for a quick workout but also very motivating. I feel so good after I do a video and seeing my mileage at the bottom of the screen.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and that everyone is making some goals for yourselves, because take it from a fatty... You really feel good when you hit a goal, even if it's just a mile! One mile can change your life. And I guess I am trying to change my life one mile at a time.

Oh, the horror!! And eating everything in sight.

Ugh. It's a lady post... Be warned.
I haven't had much to report on, just living life and trying to be good!! I had a great haul of beautiful produce from the "good" grocery store, a few towns over.

That's the trouble with where I live, everything worth getting is a half hour drive!! I did get some great leeks, onions, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, kale, berries, apples and green beans. Oh, and snap peas!! Yummy.
However, it is time for my monthly visit and I do not want to eat any of those things.
I am on my period. I hate my period. I want exactly what will make me swell up like a baloon and dive head-first into food guilt.

* I want Thin Mints.

Cookies and soy milk and ice cream and all manner of other things that are NOT health friendly. Sure, moderation tells you that you can have anything you crave within the limits of reality, but what the hell do you do when moderation is exactly the problem!!
I want volume right now. And salt. Sigh.
I have a plan though!
 Here's hoping that I can be vigilant!! My plan is to go home and bake some kale chips, roast some asparagus, make my spicy tofu and then have my humongous skinny cow cookies and cream bar for dessert.
I'll get my crunchy and salty from the kale chips and can basically eat a pound of that without guilt, Ha!!
It's all mental. What I have planned for dinner is delicious and I don't... I repeat... I don't need to eat everything in sight!!

I feel Skinnier already....

Or maybe it's just the fact that my thighs are on fire. Whatevs.

I work for my county government in a tiny office for school health services. This week, my school nurses are on Spring break, so I am all alone in here. Since my husband and I are flat broke, I rarely go out for lunch and just spend that time at my desk, eating my leftovers and playing games on my phone, lol!
This week however, I am trying something different.

HOLY CRAP. Am I really this out of shape, or is this little video that good? Granted, I don't do much in the strength training department, I sort of let my Yoga class be in charge of that, so to speak.
So, for those of you who don't know her, Leslie Sansone does the "walk at home" videos. The premise is that if you keep time to the music, you can complete 1,2,3 or 5 miles depending on the video you choose.
They are a great low-impact workout and I have done them from time to time when I get a free one on our cables on demand service.
Well, Gaiam.com was having a good sale a while back and I got a 3 pack of her videos for $5.99. It included this little gem/video of doom (however you look at it!). I popped it in the dvd tray of my computer yesterday at lunch, locked the office door and got movin'.
Everything was going great, a little sheen of sweat, some heart pumping and then it happened. SQUATS. With Hand Weights.
Are you nuts!
I don't "Squat". I might not get back up. 

Well, I did get back up, hallelujah! Rinse and repeat.
It was a good video. It was only 30 minutes, and I wasn't so red faced or sweaty that if someone had come in the office I would have been embarrassed. So that's good.
And then I woke up this morning. Oh My Word. My thighs are on fire!
I can feel them burning as I sit here typing this.
And you know what, I am happy about it! I forgot how rewarding a good work-out burn was.
I feel skinnier already!! I brought a different video from the 3 pack for today, without the strength training moves, I think the thighs need a rest at least until tomorrow.

Crafternoon!

Happy Monday everyone!

Weekend recap:
Friday: 30minutes of Yoga. I love yoga, even if my gut gets in the way!
Saturday: Crafternoon with my friend Erica! We made front door wreaths while wearing pipe cleaner crowns and drinking wine and just general silliness. Best part of the day was when I answered the door for the pizza guy still wearing my crown. OOPS!

Sunday: Quick back story... 2 years ago my father had a stroke, leaving him partially and legally blind. He can no longer drive, so every Sunday I drive a half hour to his house and take him to visit his friends and go grocery shopping and fill his pill bottles and write his bill checks etc.

So, Sunday was much the same, with me only doing a half hour on the Elliptical by the time I got home Sunday night. Just in time to shower and watch Walking Dead with the Hubs!! (And WHOA!!, crazy ending this week, right!)
Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Only over my daily target by 31 WW points!

There it is kids. 61 daily points used. I get a total of 30 to work with.
How does this happen on the first week of your new journey into healthiness??!

It starts with a breakfast burrito. And a starbucks mocha frappucino bottle. And lunch out with a friend.. and a milkshake after an hour and 15 minute yoga class.
What the hell is wrong with me!! I ate an entire day's worth of points between 7 and 9 pm.

I know why I went nuts, I just wish I had exercised some restraint! I work until 4:30pm. Yoga starts at 5:30pm until 6:45. I didn't eat a snack after lunch. I had been having a clementine and some almonds as a snack, but I forgot to pack them!!! So after yoga I was absolutely ravenous. I thought everyone could hear my stomach grumbling oh so loudly during my one man death twist show. Otherwise known as trying to get into Utkatasana, "Twisted Chair Pose". Kinda hard to do when you have a 50lbs gut in the way, lady!! (I mentally scream this at my teacher every time!).

So, I thought I would take my activity points and put them towards a snack. And then the shamrock shake sign appeared behind the fog, with angels singing and beams of light and fireworks escaping from behind the drive-thru menu signage... or not. Either way. 15PP+ later, I was still hungry and my teeth were green.
Sigh.
This is going to be hard.

Overthinking and trying to get it right!

Welcome invisible reader!
My name is Lisa and I am a planner. See, it says it right there on my nametag.

My husband and I have have decided to have a baby. However, due to my neurosis and all that, we won't begin trying until the fall.Because I plan everything, and this is me, planning to plan to get preggers.

Sidetrack: Here is why I want to wait until September/October to get pregnant...
Who wants to be 8 months pregnant in the winter?!? The risk of falling on ice just scares me too much. Alternately, who wants to be super pregnant in the summer? All huge and hot and hormonal???? No thanks. So. Super pregnant in April or May... perfect. Give birth in June.. Perfect. I am fairly confident in my scheme given the procreational health of the women in my family. Sit next to us on the couch and you knocked us up!
Anyway... That give me roughly 6 months to lose some weight and get into a healthy lifestyle before trying to conceive.
So this is where my journey begins I guess. With a resolve and baby fever!
First up is my trip to the gyno to talk pre-preggers and go off my birth control.
I will post here as often as I can. Be it only for myself and the one poor soul that finds their way to this blog!!