I have a confession to make...
Occasionally, I hide a binge. My husband, friends and family have no idea about this behavior. Just me and the scale and the hidden evidence under a layer of trash in the waste bin.
It happened again last night. It's been several weeks, if not over a month, since the last incident and I know that in some ways, that should feel like a victory. However, it does not.
I can pretend that I didn't know what was going to happen when I pulled into Little Caesars. That I was going to share it with my husband when he got home, but that would be a lie. I knew that when I bought that crazy bread to go with the tombstone pizza I planned for, that I would eat them all.
I told myself, "just have a couple and 2 slices of the tiny pizza. That's plenty of food. Make some green beans to go with it. You love green beans!!"
Well, I had eaten half the order by the time I even got home. And then some more, and then HALF of the tombstone pizza. By the time I had reached uncomfortably full, there were only 2 breadsticks left.
This is where it gets ugly. I was so full and disgusted, but that didn't stop me. I couldn't leave just two breadsticks on the counter for the hubs. He'd know that I not only ate almost all of them, but half a pizza too.
So... I ate the last two breadsticks and hid the wrapper in the trash.
Why do I do this? Is it some kind of sabotage? Am I afraid of succeeding, as if I will feel more ashamed if I succeed and gain the weight back? Do I feel safer fat?
Sigh. I don't know. I don't know if these are questions that I want to answer just yet. I understand myself enough to know that these little freak outs are rare compared to my normal eating so I just accept what happened and do better the next day.
I am also starting to get a grasp on WHEN I am triggered to act this way. It's when I know my husband won't be home and doesn't want dinner made. I knew that last night he had to work late and that he said he'd just make himself something when he got home. So I was left with the opportunity to eat whatever I wanted. There didn't need to be leftovers, so I didn't have to make anything that would be seen, if you catch my drift.
I thought a frozen pizza would be easy enough and I'd just grab some bread sticks to make it feel a little more like restaurant food.
If I had only eaten a serving of both it would have been within my calorie plan and still would have been a treat to myself.
But, that's not how it played out. Even an hour after eating I was still far too full.
I got on my elliptical for a short workout and I think I was punishing myself. I was so uncomfortable. It was a hellish half hour. I did feel a little better after, but that's not really healthy either!!
I know now that I can't take the opportunity to eat in private when it presents itself. I need to stick to a planned meal, or at least make something with leftovers, regardless if whether or not the hubs will eat them that night.
My logic with that, is that if I know there will be visible proof of what I ate for dinner, I will be more likely to make healthy choices. There's a reason I hid the evidence, I was embarrassed. I will have nothing to be embarrassed about if its healthy!!
Has anyone out there been through this? How did you cope?
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