The Flood.

I live in Illinois, about 2 hours from Chicago. After a record rainfall last week, our town was flooded and the town that I grew up in, 20 minutes away, was devastated by the flooding. Our basement flooded, but luckily it's not a finished basement. I have family that lost EVERYTHING. Flooded up to the roof, in my uncle's home. And so much more. Over 1500 residents lost their homes.

You can see my uncle's house in the mid- left hand side. It's basically the last house before it's just all water. So, needless to say, we've been pretty busy around here.
My best friend Jenny and I did some donating to the towns Lions Club, that was organizing cleaning kits and toiletries and clothing etc. for displaced families. Jenny is a couponer, so she had bags full of unopened razors, toothbrushes, deodorant etc. that she donated and I stocked up on .89c suave shampoos and body washes. Buying the cheap stuff allowed me to spend more and hopefully provide for more people. 30 bottles later, I hope the poor people needing the items felt a little better after a hot shower! I just can't imagine. My fathers friends were going around town and pumping water out of basements and 1st floor homes etc.

It's so nice to see community come together. Of course it is horrible when it's a necessity due to loss and circumstances, but it is just so amazing to see the human spirit in action.

Victory is mine!!

Last week I wrote about hiding my food binges. I felt a bit drained after writing that. It was a big hurdle for me to even admit "out loud" so to speak. I know that no one really reads this blog, I am new at it and honestly, I would be surprised if I did have readers, because really... what's so interesting about yet another Token fat girl struggling with her weight and trying to work her way through adulthood? I guess I just hope that my daily struggles can help someone see what may cause their own struggles and maybe make someone laugh or feel happy from time to time?

I sort of felt like I didn't have anything to say for a few days after that confession. I just buckled down and went about my weekend and tried to make good choices.

As for my weekend, my mileage goals are coming along nicely and I am surprised at how quickly I am improving my fitness. I am up to 2 miles without feeling I am getting tired until the last few minutes. My original plan was to track my mileage using Leslie Sansone "Walk away the Pounds" videos and walking outside as well. So far however, I have only been able to use the videos. It's been rainy here in central Illinois for the 2 weeks and looks to continue that way through the month, sigh. I am not hardcore enough to workout in the rain thank-you-very-much-no-thanks.

I really enjoy those videos, man! It seems so nerdy to me, but I like how chipper Leslie is, without being annoying, to me anyways. I always feel so good about myself when I finish a video. I was trying to do a 1 mile video, twice a day, but I find that I can power through the 30 minute, 2 mile, video just fine after a week. I am sweaty and smelly, but I am DOING IT!!.
And just for a bonus, if ya'll don't have exercise tv or on demand cable etc. Here is a link to some of the YouTube video's I found, they are my favorite ones, a little more modern than some of the other youtubes videos and they are all posted by the same girl:
One, Two and Three Mile Leslie Sansone Videos
I hope you like it, if you try it!

I feel positive. I had the chance to binge again last night and I didn't. I was very proud of myself for not giving in to the urge or the temptation. It's an odd thing, I know that if I binge, I am more likely to do it again in the following days, so stopping at one is very important to me. I had a variety of foods last night, lots of roasted veggies, some crackers for crunch, some creamy cheese and a small treat of 2 Girl Scout Thin Mints.
I think it's really important to me to have the variety of textures and flavors to avoid the binge. If I have all that, and still within my points, then I am much more satisfied than say, if I had even a large bowl of pasta. Variety, people!

Shame and hiding food binges.

I have a confession to make...
Occasionally, I hide a binge. My husband, friends and family have no idea about this behavior. Just me and the scale and the hidden evidence under a layer of trash in the waste bin.

It happened again last night. It's been several weeks, if not over a month, since the last incident and I know that in some ways, that should feel like a victory. However, it does not.

I can pretend that I didn't know what was going to happen when I pulled into Little Caesars. That I was going to share it with my husband when he got home, but that would be a lie. I knew that when I bought that crazy bread to go with the tombstone pizza I planned for, that I would eat them all.
I told myself, "just have a couple and 2 slices of the tiny pizza. That's plenty of food. Make some green beans to go with it. You love green beans!!"

Well, I had eaten half the order by the time I even got home. And then some more, and then HALF of the tombstone pizza. By the time I had reached uncomfortably full, there were only 2 breadsticks left.

This is where it gets ugly. I was so full and disgusted, but that didn't stop me. I couldn't leave just two breadsticks on the counter for the hubs. He'd know that I not only ate almost all of them, but half a pizza too.
So... I ate the last two breadsticks and hid the wrapper in the trash.

Why do I do this? Is it some kind of sabotage? Am I afraid of succeeding, as if I will feel more ashamed if I succeed and gain the weight back? Do I feel safer fat?
Sigh. I don't know. I don't know if these are questions that I want to answer just yet. I understand myself enough to know that these little freak outs are rare compared to my normal eating so I just accept what happened and do better the next day.

I am also starting to get a grasp on WHEN I am triggered to act this way. It's when I know my husband won't be home and doesn't want dinner made. I knew that last night he had to work late and that he said he'd just make himself something when he got home. So I was left with the opportunity to eat whatever I wanted. There didn't need to be leftovers, so I didn't have to make anything that would be seen, if you catch my drift.
I thought a frozen pizza would be easy enough and I'd just grab some bread sticks to make it feel a little more like restaurant food.
If I had only eaten a serving of both it would have been within my calorie plan and still would have been a treat to myself.
But, that's not how it played out. Even an hour after eating I was still far too full.
I got on my elliptical for a short workout and I think I was punishing myself. I was so uncomfortable. It was a hellish half hour. I did feel a little better after, but that's not really healthy either!!
I know now that I can't take the opportunity to eat in private when it presents itself. I need to stick to a planned meal, or at least make something with leftovers, regardless if whether or not the hubs will eat them that night.

My logic with that, is that if I know there will be visible proof of what I ate for dinner, I will be more likely to make healthy choices. There's a reason I hid the evidence, I was embarrassed. I will have nothing to be embarrassed about if its healthy!!
Has anyone out there been through this? How did you cope?

What What, weekend!

I feel good about the fact that I didn't gain while on my monthly cycle though. Especially with all the pizza I ate on Thursday night!! We had our favorite "double date couple" come over for homemade pizza and wine.
Every married couple has that other couple that you like to do things with. It was a big deal for me to get to know this other couple. The husband is a close friend of darling hubby's and I have really enjoyed getting to know his wife. It turns out she's just as neurotic as me, and that's great! I have a bit of social akwardness, so it's always a relief to meet someone as nuts as myself.

In a bit of fitness news.. I have started tracking my mileage done while doing workout videos. I do these mileage specific workouts, like 1 mile, 2 mile or three mile workouts designed to imitate aerobic walking. They are called "Walk at Home" by Leslie Sansone. They are great for a quick workout but also very motivating. I feel so good after I do a video and seeing my mileage at the bottom of the screen.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and that everyone is making some goals for yourselves, because take it from a fatty... You really feel good when you hit a goal, even if it's just a mile! One mile can change your life. And I guess I am trying to change my life one mile at a time.

Oh, the horror!! And eating everything in sight.

Ugh. It's a lady post... Be warned.
I haven't had much to report on, just living life and trying to be good!! I had a great haul of beautiful produce from the "good" grocery store, a few towns over.

That's the trouble with where I live, everything worth getting is a half hour drive!! I did get some great leeks, onions, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, kale, berries, apples and green beans. Oh, and snap peas!! Yummy.
However, it is time for my monthly visit and I do not want to eat any of those things.
I am on my period. I hate my period. I want exactly what will make me swell up like a baloon and dive head-first into food guilt.

* I want Thin Mints.

Cookies and soy milk and ice cream and all manner of other things that are NOT health friendly. Sure, moderation tells you that you can have anything you crave within the limits of reality, but what the hell do you do when moderation is exactly the problem!!
I want volume right now. And salt. Sigh.
I have a plan though!
 Here's hoping that I can be vigilant!! My plan is to go home and bake some kale chips, roast some asparagus, make my spicy tofu and then have my humongous skinny cow cookies and cream bar for dessert.
I'll get my crunchy and salty from the kale chips and can basically eat a pound of that without guilt, Ha!!
It's all mental. What I have planned for dinner is delicious and I don't... I repeat... I don't need to eat everything in sight!!